Friday, July 1, 2011

What happens when I try to cook actual food

I have a fear of cooking animals. I am by no means a vegetarian, but manhandling a carcass makes me gag. I realized this last night as I was pulling the organs out of a raw chicken’s butt.

Plus, I can’t handle the pressure of possibly killing people if I cook something wrong. This is not as big of an issue in the pastry world. You undercook a brownie? DELICIOUS! You undercook a chicken breast? POTENTIAL DEATH! Hamburger meat? ENJOY YOUR E COLI, JOKER!!! You see where I’m going with this?

Anyway, I decided to conquer my fear yesterday and cook a WHOLE DINNER for my friends, as opposed to my usual offerings of appetizers, dessert, and wine (although, now that I think about it, I feel as if that menu covers all the high points of dinner anyway).

I stuck with a roast chicken, sweet potato puree, and grilled asparagus. Super easy. I did nearly blow up the house trying to light the grill, but with some assistance I got it under control.

Unfortunately there was an incident with the sweet potatoes and an immersion blender. I always walk away from those stick blenders and leave them standing straight up in the pot, forgetting that they are super top heavy.

In this case, the second that I turned my back, the blender flipped over, spewing sweet potatoes everywhere and crashing into the unopened bottle of wine which was resting patiently a few feet away on the counter.

I exhaled in relief as the wine bottle tipped over, thanking my lucky stars that I hadn’t opened it to sneak a nip while I was cooking.  About a second after it landed on the counter top, it split open (earthquake style), sending a flood of pinot noir all over the counters and floor.  The whole thing happened in slow motion as I stood there like an idiot in a sea of deep purple.

Le sigh.  I guess I should stick to desserts. Fortunately, I did not get a photo of this. The upside is that I had decided against splurging for the $30 bottle in favor of the cheap-o Trader Joe’s special.

Despite the drama, I’d still rate the meal a quasi-success. We scrounged up more wine, and all of the diners are still alive today, which means I successfully avoided the spread of foodboorne illness! Huzzah.

Anyway, this little debacle reminded me of a set of you-tube videos that were popular awhile back. This girl may be more of a train wreck than I am… but at some points in this video, we are disturbingly similar. I imagine this is what my culinary school classmates think of my baking skills. Ha. Ha. Ha.

PS This video is absurd and contains colorful language, so don’t watch if you’re easily offended.



I hope everyone has a happy fourth of July weekend!! Try not to shatter any unopened bottles of wine.

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